WHY CAN’T I HAVE IT?!
These are just some of the things you might be feeling at the same time this idea runs through your mind.
“Why can’t I have ___?!” “Why can’t I be ___?!”
Go ahead and identify for yourself, as you read this, if you’re holding this idea in your mind. Is there a thing or experience that you feel life has told you that you cannot have or be or do? Hold the idea lightly in your mind.
I’ll be honest. This idea popped up recently for me in this form: “Why can’t I have generous parents?!”
(We’re going to dig into this and my father is wonderful and loving and the thought above isn’t actually true, which we’ll get through in a moment here.)
I grew up very fortunately in this way: My parents pretty much bought whatever we wanted. I mean, yeah, I took to heart quickly the idea that we shop the clearance racks. But truly, my Christmas list was always all checked off (except for the few years when I wanted to meet the real Santa), and throughout the rest of the year, my needs for food, clothing, toys, entertainment, whatever, were met.
As an adult, when I’m not getting what I want or when there’s something I seem to be unable to buy, my brain has returned to the idea that: My parents would have to provide that.
But somewhere between everything-I-asked-for-I-got and today, I also picked up these other ideas: I shouldn’t even ask. I’m an adult so I’m on my own. If it’s to be, it’s up to me. (Oy, that last one feels icky when I hear it in a sing-songy way.)
So sometimes I find myself stuck in longing for a thing or experience.
And that’s usually when a thought like “Why can’t I have more generous parents?!” comes up.
It’s not actually about parents but about my own fear of incapability. (Which manifests as situations where I do appear to be incapable. Oof.)
And so… what do you do with these thoughts?!
Let me pause for a moment and share something else with you. This concept may or may not be new to you.
Any time you feel simply awful, there’s a thought in your mind accompanying the feeling and the thought is, in its exact form, not true or is unproductive. In fact, it’s possibly totally destructive, and your emotions have spoken up in the form of discomfort to alert you to how “off track” you’re going with your thoughts.
So consider for a moment how you usually FEEL when a “Why can’t I have/be/do _?!” thought is in your mind. (If you’re now thinking, “I don’t know, Rosella!” then imagine you CAN remember perfectly the last bajillion times you thought a thought like “Why can’t I…” and you can pinpoint the most common emotional reaction you have around this thought-form.)
I simply want you to know what emotion is most often associated for you with this thought-form so that if the thought is whispered on a less-than-full-consciousness level but you’re feeling the feeling, you can pause and check in to see if this thought-form exists on any level in your mind in that moment. (Make sense?)
For me the most common emotional response is probably rejection. I feel rejected by the experience or thing I ultimately desire and this accompanies the “Why can’t I” thought-form.
So the “Why can’t I have generous parents?!” popped up for me the other day, and I noticed it and felt called to really look at it.
With any “Why can’t I” thought-form, there’s a desire that you have decided you are not allowed to experience, receive, or have fulfilled.
So you’ve first noticed the thought. Or noticed the feeling most frequently accompanying the thought for you, and you caught the thought. Examine it for a moment.
What is it that you actually desire here? There may be two levels to this.
The first level of desire here: The actual thing that fills the blank space in “Why can’t I have/be/do __?!” It’s the literal sort of level of desire.
The second level of desire here would be the thing filling the thing with which you’ve filled the blank space in the thought-form is the way you could / would / have to achieve the thing you actually desire. For example, I’m wanting a new MacBook Pro and it feels like something I’m incapable of buying for myself (for “reasons” that aren’t actually true, but that’s another thing to work on…), and that’s why I ask, “Why can’t I just have generous parents?!”
Are you clear on your desire, and if there are one or two levels? Cool.
Can you see now that you have actually decided and declared that your actual desire is not going to happen or become real?
How do you feel about knowing you have decided that __ is not going to happen? Be observant here. Your emotions are your teachers.
Breathe through whatever emotion has come up for you here.
You are OK, you are safe, this is not the end of the world. In fact, though you might feel pretty awful at this moment, you’re well on your way to turning it around.
OK. You’ve felt the feelings. You’ve faced the worst of it.
Now. If you could decide that maybe it’s actually possible to be, do, have __, how would THAT feel? What does that possibility bring up inside of you?
That feels a little lighter now, doesn’t it?!
Now we’re gonna do something a little off-kilter: Thank the thought-form. Thank yourself for believing that crazy idea for however long you did. It served you. (There’s probably a reason you felt unsafe to have the actual desire realized and we can dig into THAT too.)
Now, say: Thank you, I release you.
So what about the idea that you felt unsafe in some way to have the actual desire. This is particularly relevant to that second, deeper, level of desire behind the “Why can’t I” thought-form. Because usually unless the thing you were saying you can’t have is the literal desire and not the way your mind invented as the only way to achieve the second-level desire, the idea you’re unsafe is about the deeper-level desire. (Clear?)
Ask yourself “Why am I unsafe to have/be/do _?!”
Notice the fears.
Are they true?
Is there any practical action you know to take regarding the fear-thoughts that tell you you’re unsafe to have the thing? Or can you simply recognize that it’s so unlikely for you to experience whatever the fear-thought tells you would happen?
The fear thoughts can continue to exist. (Will, actually. All you can do is decide to forge ahead anyway and remind yourself you are safe. Here’s where belief in a higher power helps.)
“It is safe for me to be/do/have _” needs to be your new default thought. And making it your default requires conscious application of it! Practice this thought. Like, tell yourself this multiple times a day. Make it a password. Make it your phone’s wallpaper. Whatever it takes to saturate your brain with the idea that you’re safe to have it.
Finally, I want you to ask, “What else can I learn from the thought I was having that I can’t have _?!” This is about the literal words/idea you were filling into the “Why can’t I” thought-form. In my case, with the generous parents, I realized that I was also experiencing the thought from the place of desire to grow in my relationship with my parent. That’s helpful information that I can act on! (So I can thank the “Why can’t I” thought-form again!)
Remember your new default, “It’s safe to have __.”
Notice how that idea feels. Let those feelings be exaggerated.
Are you ready to
Create a Life Beyond Belief?
Then begin to play with the idea you can have anything you desire!!!
October 21, 2019
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