I badly want us to be rich. He doesn’t give a flying fart.
Yesterday, I heard my boyfriend say to his dad, “I don’t need to be rich, I just want to do what I want” or something to that effect.
This isn’t news to me.
I’ve heard him say that before, that he doesn’t care about being rich. (Though he offers several finishers to the statement, “When we’re rich…” over our years together.)
I used to get angry and offended hearing him say he doesn’t need to be rich.
See, I’ve cared very much that we get rich. I’ve agonized over how to get us there. I’ve daydreamed about how nice it would be to be there financially. I have viewed my ambitions for wealth as a way of loving him and giving to him (as well as myself and our future kids, should we have any). I have taken great pride in my “need” to become rich.
And in past moments when I’ve been in agony (using this word again because I’m serious; that’s what it was) over our financial “reality,” and he’s said something to the effect of “I don’t need to be rich,” I made this mean things. I got ANGRY at him. Resentful.
My thoughts looked like: Don’t you love me? If you love me, you should waaaaaant to be rich. Becoming rich should matter to you. Should mean everything.
Seriously. No kidding. I really felt my boyfriend must not love me as much as I love him if he didn’t want to do the work to become rich for me/us.
…is something I’ve done for years, but I’ve hit new depths with it in the past month or two, and so I’ve had a lot of shifts lately.
Like, I listened to this FANTASTIC history of debt, an audiobook literally called DEBT, by David Graeber (and OMG go listen to or read it if you have any debt…) I came to understand the literal millennia of history throughout which we’ve all made debt come to mean things about our morality and character. (It is insane…) I released shame I felt about the debts I have. I realized that the organizations to which I owe money do NOT actually have any power over me or any say in what I get to be/do/have in my life. PROFOUND. Good shit.
Additionally I recently realized my desire to become rich *has* eclipsed all my other desires.
I got clear:
I’ve made pretty much everything I desire contingent upon a specific amount of money. (And even though Chris has engaged in a little “When we’re rich” daydreaming with me, he never seems to actually put anything he really desires off for money.)
I stopped even believing I could feel creative until I had an unspecified (but big) sum of money. So I’ve made some choices and intentionally created shifts so that I can start experiencing my own creativity.
Given all of the work I’ve been doing, I have been feeling pretty much like a new person. (In fact, yesterday the Universe delivered that mantra to me via another book I’m reading [Gabby Bernstein’s Super Attractor]: “I feel like a new person.”)
As the new woman that I am, when I heard Chris say to his father that he doesn’t need to be rich, I noticed the old reaction want to pop up and fill my whole being, but the NEW Rosella didn’t even have to make a conscious decision that we weren’t going there again. Like… the old reaction whispered in me, but I actually felt admiration.
I admire that about him.
And as I listened to him continue his conversation, I felt the words fill me up. Chris is meant to teach me this: not allowing our money situation to dictate what he can be or do. He is not a victim of the internal chaos I’ve experienced because I have decided that I can’t be/do/have what I want until I have “more money.”
And honestly, I can’t believe I’m learning this lesson again nor that I was in such bad need of it.
I AM incredibly grateful that I’m also no longer projecting onto Chris that he loves me less or is doing me a disservice by not obsessing about money as I do. It’s about time I got here to this point. I love everything this man is, everything he already taught me, and everything he will teach me moving forward.
Fills my eyes with happy tears.
Get you a partner who will support you as you (both)
Create a Life Beyond Belief!!!
October 2, 2019