Hunger As Punishment: An Old Pattern Re-Emerging

hunger-as-punishment

Soul wounds like a subconscious belief that "bad girls don't deserve to eat" may resurface in a cyclical way. We see circumstances in our lives that open the wound again so that another layer of healing can happen.

Denial of food when hungry is an old soul wound that surfaced again for me yesterday.

Many days I do intermittent fasting willfully and happily, but yesterday I was ravenous from the moment I woke and I kept denying myself food through the day, and I knew it wasn’t healthy.

When I was punishing myself yesterday, delaying meals though I was hungry and my mood were affected, I didn’t remember the revelation that I hold a subconscious belief about my deserving to go hungry when I’ve been bad.

Yes, it was actually 2 years ago that I surfaced this belief. And I forgot about it until Facebook Memories brought up my post about it. Here’s how the revelation came upon me:

Today, after days of my bank account being negative and having expected to receive a check yesterday, I heard that I wouldn’t be able to pick up the check until tomorrow. I felt so mad. Mad at myself for being in this situation. Mad that yet again someone else’s cashflow was affecting my own. And then the anger softened as I realized that this one more day didn’t make a huge difference in my situation. Mostly past the anger I just felt disappointed in myself and of course I found a bunch of reasons to be disappointed.

At home, I ate a little bit of a salad left from yesterday and still hungry, I decided to take a nap. It was a long-ass nap (like many of mine are) and I woke up at one point and chose to go back to sleep. Several hours after I first laid down I woke up.

After a little while, my boyfriend came in to lay on the bed and watch Cheers (actually so funny and much more enjoyable than I thought). I laid back down next to him.

“Why don’t you make yourself that gluten-free mac ‘n’ cheese?” He must have asked me like five times.

“I don’t feel like it,” I said.

He asked again about me eating.

And the most awful words popped out of my mouth faster than I knew what I was thinking.

“I’m a bad girl and I don’t deserve food.”

I FELT small as I said it. Childish. A little girl who knew she needed to be punished.

And it’s SO WEIRD that these words came out of my mouth. I don’t remember hearing them when I was a little girl. I don’t remember a single time my parents ever said “Off to bed without dinner for you!”

SO WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM?!

I still don’t know and, more to the point, it probably doesn’t matter *where* it came from.

Chris said something to me in response, again about eating, and I told him I needed five minutes to cry over what just came *out* of my mouth.

And I did. I cried like I’ve not cried in a long time. I still have some tears in my eyes as I write this. But after sobbing for perhaps an actual 5 minutes, I felt myself feeling much better. Clearer. Freer.

We never really stop surprising ourselves, do we?
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