Last night I got fed up and made a change.
Look… I was ready to go to bed at 7 p.m. But I told myself I should stay awake until about 9 p.m. (If I fall asleep at 7 p.m. I have a tendency to wake at midnight, after which I can’t fall asleep again until 2 or 4 a.m. And I’ve actually been waking between 5 a.m. and 6 a.m. most days in the past month, which I actually enjoy, so I didn’t want a midnight wake-up to ruin my early rising.)
So I stayed awake.
I scheduled some content for social media. And I used my journal to call in guidance around my business and ways I can serve that will feel incredibly pleasurable. (The ideas that came through are
straight fire, though I’m not ready to share them just yet!)
When I was finally to the point of ready to let myself sleep, I noticed a lot of worry thoughts and slight nausea.
This is far from new.
I’ve had worry thoughts most nights before bed. I think I once described this to my then-coach as “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” What. A. Damn. Burden.
Combing over areas of my life where it all could fall apart and I could end up destitute, homeless, or worse, have people judge me. (I’m being a little dramatic here and honestly kinda making fun of myself.)
And yeah, I’m really well-f*ckin-practiced at imagining the judgments others have of me. I guess when you grow up hearing others around you judge and criticize themselves, you, and honestly every single person in your world, you *would* get a PhD in the ‘prediction’ of the judgment others could have of you.
I noticed this recently; just how much time and energy I’ve given every single day to my projections of self-judgment onto the people around me. I sincerely could beg every person I know to forgive me for imagining them judging me.
I have been, I now realize, acknowledging my desire to shed this habit of judgment projection in moments throughout at least the past week. Perhaps longer.
I want to free myself. And stop imagining things.
In my head, until the act of writing this, my habit of projecting judgment on others, and my experience of worry (very frequently and most invasive before bed), were two different things. Now I see how intertwined they are! (Holy perspective shift, batman!)
So back to the story of last night! Last night I noticed the worry. I gave it the name of worry, and maybe that was an all-too-hopeful act, because I’ve been reading Gabby Bernstein’s new book, Super Attractor, and am currently in the chapter which uses the Abraham-Hicks emotional scale, so I had the awareness as I checked in with my emotions that “worry” is 8 levels above “fear.” The 8 levels of separation from fear feels good and like it’s more manageable so we’re going to call what I was feeling “worry” even though it totally derives from fear.
Calling it “worry” unlocked a memory I’ve long ignored, actually, and did make a shift feel really fucking easy once I decided I was FED-the-HELL-UP!
Yesssss! I decided I have had more than my fill of habitual, constant worry! I don’t want to wrestle with worry. I want to start that meditation I listen to as I fall asleep in a better-feeling-emotion than worry!
Thank you, worry, for showing me what I really want! Now you can go.
Oh, so the memory that surfaced that made shifting this feel really easy was of a younger Rosella affirming to herself and others, “The more I worry, the better things turn out,” and “I’m a world-class worrier.” (I really remember saying those words and… WOW.)
A long time ago I defined myself by my capacity for worry. Nuts. Almonds. Walnuts. Chestnuts. Peanuts. Cashews. Wild.
I explored the truth of my habit of worry, even as far back as the time I got caught cheating on my English mid-term as a high school sophomore, and I saw (this is straight from last night’s journal entry):
“I NOW can recognize that (1) Yes I did successfully manifest in all situations I’ve ever lived through really pretty acceptable outcomes [I can celebrate my power as a creator!] and (2) I was simply putting my stock/faith in the wrong concept; it wasn’t the worry thoughts I practiced that helped me to manifest acceptable outcomes but surrender! When situations looked really, really dire, I surrendered through pleading with God to help me out. In less dire situations, I simply, at some point, chose that I’d worried enough and I could/would live with whatever the outcome was.”
I wrote more: “I AM THE CREATOR and worry has never actually been a constructive/creative tool I needed.”
Now, to heal my worry habit, I could turn to the ACTUAL tool that helped me when worry was only freaking me out. “I now turn to my ultimate creative tool [surrender] and I open myself to release all attachment to worry. I can give up worry. It’s not something I have any business practicing.”
Realizing this, I saw clearly that I could now make a new choice and affirm something different.
My new affirmation: “I surrender all worry and choose to feel safe no matter what.”
I wrote it once at the top of the next journal page with my eyes open. Then I closed my eyes and wrote it again and again as I felt it.
Now this is how you
Create a Life Beyond Belief!
October 2, 2019