This article will cover 5 general guidelines or sales tips for graceful sales conversations, reasons to never say “you have to invest or you’ll never get anywhere,” what to do after they say no (if they say no), and final no-nos.
General Sales Tips
To start, here are 5 guidelines for graceful sales conversations:
1) Check your energy. Before you have a sales conversation, are you experiencing positive emotions? You might reschedule if you feel in a funk, tired, annoyed, or anything like that. Or do whatever you can to get to a better place (mentally, emotionally, physically) before the conversation. Even in emails and other text forms of communication, your energy can be felt by the other person. If they feel the negativity, they’ll want to run away from you.
2) Ask permission to coach someone. If they’re not paying you to be their coach yet, ask permission to coach them. I sometimes forget this if I’m being honest.
3) Speaking of honesty, speak your mind. But if you think speaking your mind may offend them or put them on edge, it’s helpful to ask, “May I share with you what I think is going on?” or something like that. Don’t ask “May I be honest?” and then say something that is more than anything, an opinion or view of yours based on your belief system.
4) Offer support to work out the financial part. You may say something like, “If you would find it helpful, I would be happy to discuss ways for you to make this investment.”
5) Don’t be the dick who says this… “You have to invest in coaches and other resources or you won’t get anywhere.” And don’t look for a ‘sneaky’ variation. Although I believe in the value of investing in myself, it’s even a little gross to me when people repeat it during live stream videos and in other formats that address an audience larger than one. But it’s most certainly a no-no in one-on-one communications in my book.
Reasons Why That Sentence in #5 Should Never Pass Your Lips
Here are the 6 reasons why you should never use that sentence (“You have to invest in coaches and other resources or you won’t get anywhere”) in your sales conversations:
6) If they don’t believe that, they’re probably not your people, so you tellin’ ’em is just not moving this along.
7) You’ve just hurt their feelings or made them angry. The person hearing or reading those words from you will feel like you’ve insulted them. You’ve just sentenced them to failure instead of showing them how they could succeed with your program or service.
8) It makes you look desperate. These are the words of a pusher. You’re pushing, trying to get them to buy, and for what? If they weren’t fully self-assured about wanting this, do you really want them in it? If you’re making the kind of money you want to make, telling them this makes it sound like you need this sale desperately. Like, to pay bills and live through tomorrow. Not a sexy vibe.
More Reasons Why Potential Clients Go Running When You Say The Thing in #5
9) It feels like you’ve just said, “You’ll only succeed if you work with me this way” and “All other work you’ve done has been for naught.” When you say something like this, you assume you know this person has said no to every other investment opportunity that’s come their way. You’re ignoring all the books they’ve read, all the programs they’ve bought before, all the coaches or other service providers they’ve worked with.
10) If you’re using words like this, I’m taking it as a sign you’ve bought into whatever money story they told you. You let them sell you on their own powerlessness or lack, and you think you’re saving them by telling them this. Wrong.
11) It ignores where they’re at. Sure, they might not have everything they desire in their business, their life, their relationships, or whatever area your solution is intended to improve, but they may also be really proud of how far they’ve come and when you belittle their progress, you belittle them. Don’t alienate people by using this phrase. I heard this from someone whose group program I decided not to join and it felt really icky to read those words.
Next Steps After the No in Your Sales Conversations
Here are 4 next steps you can take when someone tells you no:
12) Get actionable feedback. Ask them, “Could I add anything to make it a no-brainer?” Maybe you can add a very simple feature or bonus that makes it so ridiculously valuable. Perhaps you do that and the next ten conversations you have all end in a quick, passionate “YES!” Alternatively, maybe they thought your offer was too complex. “Was there anything in the structure that scared you away?” Ask if you dare.
13) Ask if there was anything about your copy and/or discussion(s) of the solution that made them decide to say no. Maybe there’s language you can adjust to make it a really easy YES for the next person.
14) Thank them for their time and for considering your solution. You can say something like: “I look forward to working with you when the time is right! I trust there will come a time when my work will have its greatest impact on your life.” Something like this is so graceful that it really makes your prospect appreciate you.
15) Politely let them know that if they change their mind (before X date) it’ll still be available. (Particularly for group programs and courses, etc.)
Final Sales Tips: Things to Never Do
Here are 2 more things I suggest you NOT do in your sales conversations:
16) Tell them “I wish you luck.” That’s code for “F&C% you.” Don’t go there.
17) Badger them. It’s not bad enough that someone wrote to me “You have to invest in coaches and other resources or you’ll go nowhere.” To that, I simply wrote “Thank you.” Her follow-up may have been even more icky. She wrote, “What do you think?” She couldn’t see (or clearly didn’t give a fucq) that I was trying to end the conversation. Sometimes we make the mistake of continuing to “go at” someone because we think we’re being helpful. Realize that people have a “Power Down” button and will totally shut off if you push too hard.
We’re talking money moves by transforming a fixed mindset, or Beginner Energy. We do this to feel more confident and then money moves to you. This is the final post in a 3-part series about adopting a business success mindset to increase sales and profits.
In this final installment of a 3-part series, we’re getting really practical. These are real actions you can take to stop practicing Beginner Energy and show up in Pro Energy. Making the transition into Pro Energy, finances and so many other things in your world can respond, and your money moves to you. So, are you ready to do this? Let’s dive in!
The First & Most Important MONEY MOVES: Remembering & Owning Your Past Successes
As we talked about in Post 1 and Post 2 of this series, Beginner Energy leaches our confidence and erases from our memories our past successes. It continually moves the Starting Line so that you’re never beyond it. You’re never closer to the Finish Line because you remain poised for launch.
Here’s how you combat that issue, and own your successes!
List all of your accomplishments.
What don’t you let yourself take credit for achieving? What is it that you secretly wish people would never stop talking about you having done but you also don’t talk about? And look at the things you accomplished again. Is there anything you’ve blocked about the experience that was better than you allow yourself to remember?
At the stage of writing a list, do NOT focus on the parts of those experiences that were less than you desired. Focus intentionally on the best parts of those experiences.
Revisit this exercise every day at the start of the day. Write it out or record yourself on video talking about your successes. You will, I guarantee you, begin to remember things you haven’t allowed yourself to remember.
Say aloud, “I did that.” Feel it. Own your successes.
Once you’re starting to realize, “Holy shit, I’m amazing and I’ve come so much further than I thought,” then you can turn your attention to the parts of those experiences you didn’t quite love.
You can neutralize the energy of the facets of past successes that didn’t ‘go’ as you desired. (A powerful tool for neutralizing energy is FORGIVENESS; forgive yourself and others to transform negative energy [“bad vibes”] into neutral energy.) Then ask, “How is THIS [any facet that you’ve got a bad feeling about] proof positive that I am sure to receive [the next thing/experience you desire]?”
More MONEY MOVES To Make To Heal Beginner Energy (Fixed Mindset)
Maintain awareness of what thoughts you’re thinking.
You might find it helpful to freewrite three times a day for at least three days. Do it on paper or in one computer document. Look for themes, and repeating ideas that belittle you.
The goal is then to quickly dismiss any thought that accompanies a punched-gut feeling or other dis-empowered feeling. Dismissed quickly they won’t gain momentum and keep creating in your life experiences you don’t actually desire.
Set goals & rewards.
Note: A person practicing Beginner Energy will not want to do this!
It helps to set action-focused goals, or what I call “output goals.” Would you like to read a blog post about the way I set Output Goals? Let me know in the comments!
Develop a Learning integration practice.
Ask and answer questions before and after reading/watching/listening to training material. Questions like:
Why are you reading/watching/listening?
What do you want to walk away with?
Are there actions you take to put this into practice?
What holes remain?
Are there questions you still need answered?
Publicly announce your wins and celebrate.
In fact, you ought to come on into the Facebook Group, MANIFESTING GOOD SHIT, and share your celebrations!
Take a break from following other people.
Do this especially those whose voices you’ve treated as authoritative in your space. If only for 3 weeks or 30 days using Facebook’s 30-day-snooze feature.
Don’t fall prey to others’ marketing that is meant to attack your vulnerabilities and make you feel inadequate so that you’ll buy.
Rewrite any story that says it’s unsafe to be confident.
(Like if you grew up being told that anyone who is confident is cocky, or something…)
Affirmations to Help Heal Beginner Energy
“It is safe for me to be curious. I can be curious while remaining confident in my lived experience and theoretical knowledge. Confident curiosity is my general state of being when I’m thinking of and working in my business.”
“I am a PRO within my business. No one has been in my business longer than me. With this position comes a lot of incredible responsibility, and I handle this responsibility gracefully. I know what I know, and I do my best to integrate new information in the areas where I don’t know everything.”
“I am a PRO at running my business. There is always room to grow, and I seek support as I grow in all the right ways. Still, it is safe to trust and refer to my lived experience.”
Recap of “Money Moves When You Ditch This Fixed Mindset / Beginner Energy”
There are 7 steps you can take to embrace Pro Energy. In doing so, you’re navigating out of the fixed mindset or Beginner Energy that has kept you stuck.
The 7 things you can do aren’t in a particular order. You may do one, some or all of these things and see the desired results: increased sales and expanding profits.
Here they are again:
Refresh your memory about your past successes.
Get aware of the thoughts that hold you back.
Set goals & rewards.
Develop a Learning Integration practice.
Publicly announce your wins and celebrate!
Take a break from following other people.
Rewrite any story that says it’s unsafe to be confident. (There are affirmations for that above!)
PLEASE COMMENT your biggest takeaway from today’s post!
In the first post of this 3-part series, we covered the problem that could be breaking down your sales and eroding your profits in business. The problematic mindset and way of being is called BEGINNER ENERGY. Post 1 covered the thoughts that are characteristic of someone practicing Beginner Energy, how to know if you’re practicing it, and other symptoms of it.
The first post also showed you how Beginner Energy is the imbalance of two traits critical to success. These two traits, which we’ll cover in more depth today, are: Curiosity and Confidence.
What is this Success Mindset you’re writing about, Rosella?
Characteristic of Pro Energy, the opposite of Beginner Energy, is a helpful balance of Curiosity and Confidence. Pro Energy is an innovation-friendly way of being.
When you’re in Pro Energy, you have a healthy curiosity buffered by a clear sense of knowing what you know. In Pro Energy, you can consume new information and effectively integrate it. This means assimilating it with your lived experience. Wisdom is the result of this integration of new info and lived experience.
How is Pro Energy Different From Beginner Energy?
Beginner Energy continuously moves the starting line so that you’re never past it. In stark opposition, Pro Energy has a very stable and realistic grasp on where you started and how far you’ve come.
When we practice Beginner Energy, we focus on our blind spots and areas of real or perceived inexperience. In Beginner Energy, we totally ignore what we’ve done, and more devastatingly, what we’ve done well. This means we can’t feel confident.
Beginner Energy looks like:
Feeling like the next client you sign will be your first ever (even though you’ve already signed clients)
Telling yourself you need more information before you make a move
Changing the conditions for starting, which you can often recognize in the form of the thought, *When ____ happens, THAT’s when I’ll do ____*
Pro Energy looks like:
Gratitude to clients 1 – 5 for the space to increase your skills, and excitement to see how your skills continue to grow with your next client.
Knowing you can have what you want when you want it.
Owning all of your past successes with a healthy recognition that what got you here may not get you there (while also owning that it might, and you’re never too far along to return to basics if needed!).
The curiosity of the Beginner isn’t the problem. That curiosity is what keeps us innovative! And… TRUE INNOVATION requires the confidence to act on fantastic new ideas. A person practicing Beginner Energy doesn’t usually have the confidence to pursue true inspired innovation (though they may force synthetic innovation). For the person practicing Beginner Energy, the biggest problem is their lack of confidence.
What Does The Practice Of Success Mindset “Pro Energy” Look Like?
The best example I can give of Pro Energy is my approach to my relationship. This is what it looks like to keep your curiosity while remembering your own successes.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9+ years, and I own that that’s a long time. I own that we both know some important keys to making a relationship last and with as much happiness, love, and respect as we have. We’ll share what we know with you if you ask. (Many a friend has benefited from our mutual wisdom.)
I’m a PRO at being in our relationship, and Chris is too. We know that no matter what is going on outside of us, we can ride waves together. We may not know everything, but what we do know has gotten us this far. That gives me confidence.
And though I’m a pro at being in our relationship, I stay curious. I know there are people who’ve been in their relationship longer than us. (Remember, of course that time ‘in’ isn’t everything.) When I meet a couple that’s been together 15+ years, you best believe I’m gonna ask questions! I’ll ask them what they think makes them successful. I’ll study their story (because success leaves clues!).
Something else to note here: I don’t ask these couples (or the individuals) to give me guidance in my relationship. I ask them what is true for them. After that, I contemplate what they share. And I decide if I am going to incorporate anything I learned from them into my relationship.
Recap of “You Need to Cultivate This Success Mindset for Business Women”
The business owner practicing Beginner Energy is not going to experience the success they desire. (For more on that, see the first post in this series.)
The opposite of Beginner Energy — the success mindset every business owner needs — is called PRO ENERGY.
While the person practicing Beginner Energy keeps moving the starting line so they’re never actually in the race, the person practicing Pro Energy knows exactly what they’ve accomplished while remaining curious about other approaches. More than that about the difference between these two mindsets is written above.
I also shared how I practice Pro Energy inside of my successful 9+ year relationship. What can you take away from this example and apply to your business? Or, indeed, your own relationships or really any other area of your life where you want more success?
PLEASE COMMENT your biggest takeaway from today’s post!
Post 3 of this series will provide you with practical action steps to move out of Beginner Energy and into Pro Energy. That post is coming Friday, June 7, 2019.
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Don’t Miss A Part of The Beginner Energy Series!
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In 2015, I closed the deal with my biggest client, who has paid me more than $45k in the years since. And after that? Shit got hairy and scary in my business. So why wasn’t my business growing steadily, let alone exponentially? My business got stagnant because of a practice we’re covering in today’s post.
In this first post of a 3-part series, you’ll learn about a mindset & energy that could be holding you back from big-time business success. We’ll look at the thoughts characteristic of this way of being. Then we’ll look at the imbalance you’re likely suffering of traits that are critical to your success. We’ll cover how to diagnose if this is indeed the cause of stagnation in your sales/profits. You’ll see that this is at the root of several common problems.
Business Isn’t Growing? The Cause Is Probably BEGINNER ENERGY
The BEST way to stay exactly where you are is to practice BEGINNER ENERGY.
BEGINNER ENERGY is an attitude toward our past, current and future successes where we feel like we’ve not accomplished anything of note, and that there’s so much more we need to know to be able to accomplish anything. This attitude or energy is created by our repetition of disempowering thoughts and then reinforced by our life experiences (which are created by our thoughts). It is not a necessary or required attitude, and it’s not even a helpful one. Because Beginner Energy is the practice of powerless ignorance instead of empowered curiosity.
BEGINNER ENERGY is primarily a focus problem. When we practice Beginner Energy, we focus on our blind spots and areas of real or perceived inexperience, totally ignoring what we’ve done and done well, so that we can’t feel confident. It’s not even a problem of moving the finish line before you’ve reached it but of moving the starting line so you’re never actually in the race!
This is when we maintain that sense of every next client being the first client we’ll ever work with. (Have you felt that?)
Just Because You’ve Been In Business For Years Doesn’t Mean You Aren’t Practicing Beginner Energy
And here’s something really worth noting: BEGINNER ENERGY can surface and be practiced again at any level of your life & business. Because it’s not actually about you being a beginner at something but feeling like you don’t know anything.
REMINDER: Beginner Energy is created and sustained by the repetition of disempowered thoughts and the act of dismissing previous successes.
Beginner Energy is present in thoughts like the following:
I’m nothing special.
I’ve done nothing special.
It’s crazy to think this will work.
I don’t know enough. What else do I need to know?
This just can’t work.
Why isn’t this working?
What’s it going to take?
Is it too much to ask that I ____?
What am I doing wrong?
How can I possibly compete when she’s doing this, and she’s doing this?
When these kinds of thoughts pop up and you do not immediately dismiss them with intention, they repeat and repeat and become your energetic state: the state of BEGINNER ENERGY.
Beginner Energy is the condition that keeps you seeking inside of finding.
Rosella LaFevre, Success Coach and Long-Haul Master
BEGINNER ENERGY says “I don’t know anything,” “I need someone to tell me what to do,” and asks “Why isn’t this working?” It ignores questions such as “What have I done well?” Beginner Energy forgets that new info gets to be integrated with “old” info and lived experience. It thinks that others have the answers and keeps us perpetually in search of answers.
Beginner Energy is the condition that keeps you seeking inside of finding.
In the 3rd post of this 3-part series, we’ll talk about how to stop practicing Beginner Energy. But for now, I’ll tell you that the power of a Sponsoring Thought to induce success totally eludes the person who practices Beginner Energy. And you can read more about how to use the Sponsoring Thought here >
The Imbalance Inherent in Beginner Energy
The person practicing Beginner Energy is overly curious in a disempowered way, and as a result, finds it near impossible to feel at all confident. Don’t get this wrong. Curiosity is as critical to your success as confidence is, but there’s a specific way to practice them to achieve your desires. These traits must be in a relative balance to move you closer to your dreams.
BEGINNER ENERGY is fundamentally a problem of incorrect focus. Overly focusing on what others do or consider the right way, and acting as if you don’t have the answers you need are two ways you practice incorrect focus. This is the disempowered version of curiosity. And it leads to loss of confidence. Like when your body leaches calcium and your bones get weak.
When you practice Beginner Energy, you lose confidence and you’re not fortified the way you need to be to receive your manifestations. This is why your business isn’t growing.
Enjoying this post on Beginner Energy? We’re going to talk in the next post about what the proper balance of curiosity and confidence look like in practice. In the third post of this series, we’ll talk about how to stop practicing Beginner Energy.
Diagnosing Beginner Energy as the Reason Why Your Business Isn’t Working…
You might be practicing (and suffering from) BEGINNER ENERGY if you…
Aren’t seeing the profits you desire coming through your business (ESPECIALLY if you’re creating income through other work that doesn’t feel like your soul’s work).
Invested in coaching, programs, and courses then saw little or no return on your investments.
Need someone to confirm you’re “doing the right thing” (or you want a coach to “tell me what to do”).
Downloading all the freebies and watching all the livestreams and failing to understand how that information fits in with or extends your own experience and knowledge.
Haven’t signed clients in months. And that’s even though you’ve had spots “available” in your client roster, and you show up consistently.
Feel like the next client you sign will be your first, even though it wouldn’t.
Feel like signing a client at a new fee is starting all over again and you have thoughts like, I’ve never signed a client at this rate. This is a big deal.
Beginner Energy Can Cause These Common Problems For The Boss Woman Whose Business Isn’t Growing
BEGINNER ENERGY also leads to the suffering of:
Zero or Little Profit in Your Business: Struggling to make sales, even if you’ve made sales before, and feeling attacked every time a business coach writes a post about expensive hobbies vs. profit-generating businesses.
Shiny Object Syndrome: Like downloading all the freebies, taking all the courses, and always looking for a new answer to the question, “What am I doing wrong?”
Impostor Syndrome: Feeling, always, like a big fat fake on the verge of being found out and thrown overboard by the others in your world.
Lack of Clarity and Focus: Changing directions constantly, exploring new niches at random, and struggling to give a straight-forward answer about your business (even in your journal).
Analysis Paralysis: An obsession with gathering more information combined with the inability to make a damn decision.
Recap of “Your Business Isn’t Growing. Could You Be The Cause Of Stagnation?”
In conclusion, yes, YOU could be the cause of stagnation in your business if you’re practicing Beginner Energy. (Actually… if you believe in Law of Attraction, you’re always the cause of everything you experience…) Anyway.
You learned the following from today’s post about the possible reason why your business isn’t growing:
The boss women (and men) who practice the mindset and way of being called BEGINNER ENERGY are usually the same ones who aren’t making sales as desired. This may be the reason big-time business success eludes you.
The thoughts that are characteristic of someone practicing Beginner Energy look like: I’m nothing special, It’s crazy to think this will work, and This just isn’t working.
Someone practicing Beginner Energy experiences an imbalance of two traits that are critical to success. The first, which someone with Beginner Energy has too much of and is practicing in an unempowered way, is Curiosity. The second, which someone in Beginner Energy is not displaying much of at all, is Confidence.
We’ve gone over how you can diagnose if you’ve practiced Beginner Energy, causing stagnation in your sales/profits.
I have also outlined for you the common problems caused by the practice of Beginner Energy. These problems include Analysis Paralysis, Imposter Syndrome, and Shiny Object Syndrome.
PLEASE COMMENT BELOW: What is your number 1 takeaway from today’s post?
Post 2 of this series will show you the energy and mindset that are the opposite of Beginner Energy, so you can stop worrying about how your business isn’t growing. That post is coming Wednesday, June 5, 2019.
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Don’t Miss A Part of The Beginner Energy Series!
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I get asked questions about how to manifest, and I LOVE answering! Today’s post is a roundup of some recent manifesting questions you’ve had for me, along with my responses.
Today, I’m answering a manifestation question on finding blocks to manifesting, another on what it means when it didn’t show up on your deadline, and another on how to manifest a neighbor moving. Read on for the wisdom!
Do you know where you can ask me more of your manifestation questions? There’s a free Facebook group called Manifesting Good Shit hosted by me! It’s where I share daily guidance, do live videos, answer every single manifestation question you have, and celebrate your manifesting wins with you!
Manifestation Question 1: What if you don’t know what your blockage is… How did you figure that out?
A: When I manifested the love of my life, and freedom from emotional abuse, and a Penthouse apartment, I didn’t know there were such things as “blocks.”
I deliberately chose to ignore reasons or ideas that said I couldn’t have what I wanted. I processed (FELT & released) any emotion around not having what I wanted, like when I doubted I could find love and made the decision (again) that I would find love. So… maybe don’t look for fucking blocks.
Give yourself whatever you can possibly give yourself right now to meet your own needs whether emotional, mental or physical. The experiences you desire will have no choice but to show up for you then!
We get more of what we think about so if you keep asking what’s blocking your manifestation, you’re going to manifest more “blocks.” More obstacles will show up to keep you from what you want.
I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t be self-aware or that doing inner work to remove limiting ideas are a waste of time. But… sometimes the thing you need to do to manifest what you want is to take a break from all the inner work, and just BE.
But for those of you craving an action: play with a Sponsoring Thought! I’ve written on my blog about the singular idea that I kept playing with before the love of my life showed up, and I’ll just give it away here:
“I’m the best girlfriend in the world, and any guy is lucky to have me.”
I would make mental lists of why I was the best girlfriend in the world (even when I didn’t have a boyfriend). Playing with that idea, how could the right & perfect-for-me someone NOT show up?! 😉
Manifestation Question 2: How do you cope when something doesn’t specifically manifest? I think I’m manifesting wrong. Not comfortable saying what but, feeling bummed since I’m pretty sure it isn’t happening. Any advice appreciated! FYI I set 3 dates for three events.
A: To be totally honest: I don’t find dates that helpful to me in the manifestation process. When setting a goal or recognizing my desire for a new experience, I don’t usually attach a date to it.
A shift: What if the Universe’s Timing is infinitely better than your own? Sooner is not always better/best!
Manifestation Question 3: Anyone know how to manifest a neighbor moving? Don’t want to go into detail but, she’s the devil. I just ignore her tbh but, she constantly stirs up drama
A: I really wouldn’t devote too much energy to her or to trying to get rid of her, but focus on manifesting cooperation from all people in your life. And really, that looks like: meeting your own needs and being an example of pure love & cooperation to all those who surround you.
Be cooperative with people and examine your thoughts when you find it impossible to be cooperative with someone.
And feel free to repeat some affirmations or afformations that center on how cooperative the whole Universe and everyone in it are!
Affirmations like… “The Universe, and everyone in it, loves me and wants me to enjoy life.” Afformations would be questions like… “Why am I so easy to get along with? What about me brings out only the best in people?” etc.
In this post, you’ll learn the 5-step manifesting process, what you can create when you use it, why my approach to manifesting is foolproof, and what I’ve created using it.
There is a five-step process for creating anything you want. It looks like this:
1️⃣ Practice mindfulness, and specifically stop the negative thought train
2️⃣ Engage creative energy, and take one step toward the desired outcome
3️⃣ Be vulnerable, and take away the power the current circumstances have upon you.
4️⃣ Give it up to grace, and surrender to your desired creation entering life in its own damn way.
5️⃣ Worship your body, and give it whatever it needs.
What else do you need to know?
Honestly, You Can’t Fucq Up Using This 5-Step Manifesting Process
The beautiful thing about these steps? You create while truly practicing all of these steps simultaneously, so you can never truly screw it up. Though there are pitfalls to look out for, and skillful coaching can help you navigate.
These are the same five steps I used to course-correct when I was facing a possible eviction a few years ago (I’ll tell you about this in a future blog post!). They are the steps to manifest solutions to scary problems AND the steps to create awesome good things without drama. (Either way you need to use them, they work!)
THAT’S NOT ALL…
They’re also actually the same steps I took to manifest the love of my life, and we celebrated our 9th anniversary this month!
Intuition told me in April 2018 to cut out gluten and it was the easiest lifestyle change I’d ever made. The benefits have been motivation to remain gluten-free. Recently, I was guided to go sugar-free too… Sugar addiction isn’t agreed upon by scientists but maaaaan, it’s gotta be a real thing. It’s been years that I’ve had to have candy every day! I think my candy habit alone was keeping the nearby gas station in business. Now I’m 5 days sugar-free. This means I’m no expert on quitting sugar, but I wrote this post because I love showing you what I’m up to in my quest to live a better life.
This post covers what quitting sugar means, how to feel satisfied without sugar, some sneaky ways sugar “gets you,” and the biggest takeaway from a sugar-free life!
I knew it couldn’t be good for me to consume as much sugar as I still was. But there was a persistent thought, until very recently, that I could never and would never quit sugar.
What or who inspired me to quit sugar?
For years I’ve heard of friends cutting back on sugar or about people like Gabby Bernstein demonstrating how she makes gluten-free sugar-free treats on her IG story, and both admired these people and thought, I couldn’t do that!
Then fatefully, I was chatting with my soul sister Jacquelynne Kristen Holmes and she told me she’d been studying the carnivore diet. She shared some links with me. And I watched most of the videos. One of the suggested videos on YouTube was an interview of Ken D Berry, MD, author of Lies My Doctor Told Me, who at 54 says he feels better than he did at 40. He credited the carnivore diet for this improvement.
I’ve been watching Dr. Berry and his wife, Neisha Salas-Berry on IG, and some of their videos on YouTube. They’re so compelling to me as a couple and I feel a lot of trust in them, perhaps especially because of their laid back attitude toward making a change for your health. Their message feels clear: Don’t pressure yourself to do it perfectly, just make improvements. Do one thing better today than you did yesterday.
How did I decide to quit sugar?
I honestly don’t remember making a decision in advance that Monday would be my first day sugar-free. I just tried to avoid eating any sugar that day. And when I succeeded, I decided I’d do it the next day.
What symptoms have I experienced since quitting sugar?
Then SYMPTOMS happened.
A headache kicked in at some point on Monday, I believe. Monday night I had taken a nap for a few hours in the evening. I woke from that nap after the CRAZIEST dream I’ve ever had, which ended with a baby sitting in the street, surrounded by three other babies it had beheaded. #WHATTHEFUCKWASTHAT
I went back to sleep at around 1 a.m. on Tuesday morning. My alarm was set for 7:30 a.m. But I woke up multiple times in those early morning hours. When I woke up I was sweating and felt so nauseous. Maybe T.M.I. but I am seriously surprised I didn’t puke.
I debated calling out of work. I pushed myself to go in and I felt like death, especially with the headache I had. So I made it through four hours and left early. I have been finding excuses to walk our neighborhood every day lately, and I wondered how exercise would help the discomfort I was feeling so I walked to the shops nearby and the library. The walk felt good, but I still had the headache, and I think I took a nap again that night, waking up around 9 p.m. I fell asleep again around 12 a.m. knowing I once again faced an alarm at 7:30 a.m. I woke at some time between 5 and 6 a.m. slightly sweaty and feeling like I needed to go to the bathroom. I laid back down and fell asleep again until my alarm.
I think it’s worth noting that both of these nights I had nausea and sweating, we had our air conditioner on full blast. The A/C didn’t seem to help at all. Ugh.
On Wednesday I woke up and felt much better. I still had a slight headache that manifested along a line on the left side of my head. I finally caved and took ibuprofen. Then I felt 99% perfectly well!
Yesterday was Day 4. Today is Day 5 and I feel pretty fantastic.
What does sugar-free mean in this blog post?
Started by cutting out the sugar from my coffee 10 days ago.
No ice cream.
Avoiding anything with “added sugar” on the label or sugar in the ingredients.
Also, no chips, or other similar snack foods.
Have I truly consumed 0 grams of ‘sugar’?
No. (Hey, being honest here!)
I’ve had half-n-half in my coffee to void using sugar, and the brand of half-n-half in my fridge has 1 gram of sugar per serving. (More on my coffee below.)
Wednesday and Thursday I’ve had up to three tablespoons of Teddie natural peanut butter. It has no added sugar but does have, like, 3 grams of carbohydrates per serving.
I think there’s a little bit of sugar in the bacon I’ve been eating; will look for a different brand without added sugar. I suspect based on one of Neisha’s YouTube videos that the Wright brand might be a good alternative.
What did I eat in a day before quitting sugar?
Normal for me to eat/drink in a day before quitting sugar:
Coffee with ~3tbsp of sugar.
Maybe a second cup with ~3tbsp of sugar.
Fries with cheese and bacon at lunch.
Plain old spring or filtered water throughout the day.
Chips or homemade hash browns after work.
Other veggies a couple of hours later, like brussels sprouts or cabbage. (Or more potatoes if that’s all I had.)
Maybe protein like salmon or a burger or a pork chop.
Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaandy. Maybe Sour Patch Watermelons, or king sized Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, or a Milky Way, or a Snickers.
It all tasted so good. LOL
What HAVE I been eating?
No breakfast, just coffee. (More on my coffee below. And yes, I like fasting.)
For these four days, I’ve still had mega fries at lunch; that’s fries with mozzarella cheese and bacon (I order them without cheese whiz).
Black Angus burger eaten like “steak,” topped with butter and shredded parmesan cheese, and/or two eggs over easy. 4-5 half-strips of bacon on the side. Something interesting? I eat the eggs and/or burger and often find myself not feeling hungry for the last 2-3 half strips of bacon on the side.
A couple of days I’ve had beef jerky (focus on it being gluten-free! and also checked to ensure no sugar added) bought at the gas station.
Like I mentioned above, a couple of days I’ve had about 3 tablespoons of peanut butter. It’s not keto but it feels like a better choice to me than the things I used to stuff in my face, and I think at some point I’ll eliminate this too.
Have I totally eliminated all the sugar from my home?
No. There’s a 4-lb tub of sugar that will be for Chris’ coffee. There’s an open bag of Starburst Jelly Beans in Chris’ space, but I did ask him to hide them out of sight because the bright colors on the bag were tempting me. (I didn’t give in!) I have an open box of gluten-free Eggos in the freezer that I don’t know if or when I’ll finish (they have 4 grams of added sugar per serving which doesn’t seem like a lot, but I’m avoiding them for now). I’m really very super proud of how strong my willpower is!
Wanna know more about my coffee? (No, I’m NOT selling you anything.)
I returned to using half-n-half in my coffee about 10 days ago so that I could stop adding sugar. (I simply do not enjoy it black without sugar.) If you know anybody who does Keto, they probably swear by heavy whipping cream and/or butter in their coffee. I don’t yet have a frother to add butter and… sorry… I haven’t been able to bring myself to spend $8 on a quart of HWC. So I use up to 2 ounces of half-n-half with like 10 ounces of coffee. Starting today I added a pinch of unprocessed pink Himalayan salt to my coffee, which really helped me feel satisfied, and made the half-n-half taste more like true Bulletproof coffee (which I have had and it honestly amazing!).
What else do I plan to add in or try since quitting sugar?
Adding the minerals Potassium / Magnesium / Iodine into my coffee.
Choosing a brand of bacon, specifically looking for one that has no added sugar.
Try longer fasts; there’s a state where our bodies destroy old broken cells and build new ones and its thought to be reached most effectively by fasting for 48-72 hours; dunno if I’ll ever go THAT long but I have made it 19 hours before… So I’m going to test myself!
What’s my motivation for quitting sugar?
To start, quitting sugar been about proving to myself that I CAN do it.
My goal is to see some weight loss from this and generally just feel even better than ever so that I want to continue to abstain from sugar just because it feels so good.
What’s been my biggest takeaway from quitting sugar?
Since quitting sugar, I’m truly, radically aware of how much I turned to sugar for emotional satisfaction. I am hit with a craving for a candy bar after lunch. If I come home from work feeling hungry and tired, the thing I crave is a quick sugar fix. If I’m bored, I wanna eat sweets.
I catch myself wanting to slam sugar down my throat multiple times a day. I let the craving come up and I decide that it would actually be disgusting to eat sugar. Then I intentionally switch activities as a distraction.
I see a lot of room in my life for more excitement that doesn’t come from a sugar product, and even though a small part of me judges myself for it, the larger part of me finds that notion inspiring. Realizing how much capacity you have for introducing new fun & rewards feels like a gift!
Do you have advice for someone else who wants to quit sugar?
Firstly, let’s recap this: I’m NOT a health coach or health professional. I’m only sharing my personal experience here!
Empower yourself to change one way you consume sugar, like how I started by removing sugar from my coffee. From there you’ve got momentum. I did that for a week until I was ready and able to go a full day without any added sugars and no candy.
By the time I realized, very late on day 2, that the pains and unpleasantness I was experiencing were because of quitting sugar, I was committed. Yeah, I totally thought about going to the vending machine in the lobby for a quick “fix” in the form of a Snickers bar. But I googled side effects of going sugar-free and realized that if I gave in, I’d just have to experience this shit again at a later date. That was when I decided to push through.
I also made a conscious decision then that quitting sugar could be as painless as quitting gluten had been. Following that decision, the sugar-free side effects I experienced — as unpleasant as they were — ended on day 3.
So if you’re flirting with quitting sugar, I highly suggest you make a firm conscious decision that the experience will be easy for you. Then stick to it, even if you’re dealing with nausea, sweating and/or disaster pants or constipation. Remember it won’t last forever. (But you’re safe to see a doctor if you need to!)
Update! Sugar-Free Day 7 (May 26)
A friend asked me on Day 5 after I published this blog post how it was going, and I shared with her that every time I’m even slightly hungry, my mind still asks for sugar. But as I wrote to her, “I’m smarter than my mind.”
That’s the most exciting part of this for me: Realizing *I* have control over my mind, even when it comes to food. Exercising this control over my mind is a sexy reward that is easy to perpetuate because I feel so damn proud of myself.
Now it’s Day 7 since quitting sugar and in the past few days I’ve completely cut out added sugar (as you may have noted above, I was still eating bacon that had some added sugar). Yesterday I was at Walmart and the only brand I could find with no-sugar-added was Gwaltney. So I bought the 3-pound package and… YUM.
As I write this update, I’m sipping on black sugar-free coffee (with a little dash of pink Himalayan salt) for the first time. I didn’t add in half-n-half because I thiiiiink half-n-half breaks a fast and I’m still fasting at the moment. Want to see how long I can fast today.
As for fasting… I’ve done up to 19 hours fasting before but I also realize that that was on a day when I’d eaten high-carb the day before… and I think the amount of calories I’ve eaten each day the past two days is really low so I’m not going to push myself or endure any unnecessary pain with fasting today.
But I’m not gonna lie… I’ve been researching sugar-free treats and no-churn ice cream recipes. I TOTALLY have my eye on The Keto Cookie sampler pack, maybe as a special treat for my birthday (on June 28th). The Keto Cookie brand’s treats are seriously low-carb, look utterly delicious and are made with natural sugar alternatives. Worth checking out if you’re going to quit sugar or maybe have a diabetic in your life who still loves to eat cookies! (And I’m just sharing because I’ve spent a few hours looking at sugar-free treats online; it’s been my alternative to actually stuffing my face with sugar LOL.)
Yesterday, I not only had absolutely no added sugar in any of my food (again, that Gwaltney bacon is YUM)… I also ate only like… 10 grams of carbs all day. I’m excited that a day of low-carb eating gets to feel like such a win!
Comment below with your questions or share your own experiences cutting sugar!
Sometimes awful, embarrassing, low-down, I’m-the-worst-life-is-never-ever-getting-better, can-this-please-not-be-real shit happens. Like having your card declined for $13 of food at the Dollar Tree when you’re waiting for more money to come in. And it’s totally justifiable to let that make you feel miserable. Or you could… you know… Be happy now.
Let’s take a look at how you can be happy now…
R.S.V.P. NO to misery. Stop delaying your gratification. Choose HappyHappyJoyJoy NOW.
First, a story. It was 2017.
I only had one credit card with me. I was grabbing groceries. The card got declined. I stalked out, leaving my carefully selected items at checkout.
Outisde, I called the credit card company.
First, I shouted. Then, I cried. Sobbed hysterically, actually, on the phone with the card company’s service person.
I had carefully planned this. I was counting on these food items to carry two of us through until the next anticipated client payment.
This could really ruin a person’s day! But it didn’t ruin mine, and in fact I taught myself that day how to choose to be happy now. Read on…
Be Happy Now Step 1: Bring Awareness to Your Current Circumstances and How You’re Responding
What did I do? I brought awareness to the situation and my response.
As I talked and as she talked and as I sat on hold, the thought rampage I had was painful. I put my attention there: on noticing the thoughts racing through my stressed out mind.
I actually sat there, waiting while the customer service person ‘investigated’ and wrote down all the thoughts that made me feel shittier than the simple experience of having my card declined for $13 of stuff.
My thoughts looked like this:
I don’t understand why I keep manifesting my card getting declined and being embarrassed I can’t pay for something
I am so weary
I am so, so tired
I feel so wrong all the time
Wrong that I don’t have money
Wrong that I can’t just have a day job and be satisfied
Wrong that I claim to be worth more but don’t receive it
Be Happy Now Step 2: Sprinkle Wisdom on the Shitty Thoughts
Reviewing the list of thoughts I’d just typed out, I decided to apply some wisdom. At the top of the list, I typed a new word.
That’s exactly what any thought that makes us feel worthless, wrong, less than, or just plain sick to our stomachs, is; it’s a LIE. It’s bullshit.
But also? Thank goodness for the bullshit and the doubt we sometimes (or maybe frequently) feel! Embracing the doubt helps us manifest what we desire, including happiness, as counter-intuitive as that may appear.
Be Happy Now Step 3: See the Bigger Picture
That’s OK that bullshit thoughts and lies show up for you. It’s probably a sign that you’ve made a decision to move forward.
When we decide to uplevel, the part of our brains that wants to keep us safe may create drama in an effort to pull us back from the ledge.
This happens, and again, it’s OK. You’re SAFE.
Be Happy Now Step 4: Finish Feeling The Yucky Stuff
So I sat there, typing out the lies in my head that were making me sick. I sobbed, my shoulders jackhammering.
Even as I let myself go there, a voice in my head was pulled back from it, observing, listening to the sound of my sobs. This consciousness that observed my reaction quietly held space.
So, I cried a lot that afternoon. I just let it happen.
Any thought that makes us feel worthless, wrong, less than, or just plain sick to our stomachs, is a LIE.
Rosella LaFevre, Manifestation Teacher and Long-Haul Master
Be Happy Now Step 5: Give Your Body What It Needs & Monitor Its Signals
After hanging up with the credit card’s customer service who explained that my bank took back a payment it had allowed to process through to the card, I came back upstairs to my penthouse apartment and I laid down for 10 minutes.
I felt how part of me wanted to hold onto anger and upset over my card getting declined, and another part of me knew that holding onto that anger wouldn’t serve.
Be Happy Now Step 6: Notice Unproductive Thought Patterns & Interrupt Them
I heard an old record in my head. “I’ll be happy when the next sale comes in, I’ll be happy when something changes, I’ll be happy when I get…”
All these thoughts were contributing to my feeling unhappy. I recognized them as an old & unproductive thought pattern.
I pulled the needle off that old record when I chose to ask, “What would I receive if I decided to be happy NOW?” This is an example of an afformation, where you pose an affirmation in the form of a question.
You can also use regular affirmations to interrupt old thought patterns.
Now over to you! Leave a comment and tell me: Are you happy? If not, can you allow yourself to be, regardless of what’s happening outside of you?
The dishes were piled high in the sink. I was pissed. I huffed and puffed as I cleaned the dishes I needed to make food for my boyfriend and me.As I rev’d up for an argument, I coached myself and experienced what I really wanted: Cooperation and love.
We’ve had less than 10 fights in our 9+ years together. Ready to learn something that could help you stop fighting with your boyfriend?
The dishes were piled high in the sink. I was pissed. I huffed and puffed as I cleaned the dishes I needed to make food for my boyfriend and me.
I thought, Why didn’t I do the dishes last night? But also, why doesn’t he just see they need to be done and do them for me? Doesn’t he know how happy and grateful I would be if he did that without me needing to ask? WHY do I need to fucking ask?
Not that I always do all the things that need doing around here, but I always SEE the things super clearly. You know. The dishes need to be done. The stove needs a DEEP clean. The stainless steel appliances are somehow, magically, stained. There’s a perpetual pile of dirty laundry. You know. ALL the damn things.
And I observed myself letting the frustration and anger build. I wanted to roar at my man for not doing the dishes, for “NEVER” helping around here. That’s never worked well before… And so I centered myself enough to calmly say, “Hey, babe. It would make me feel like a super grateful Queen if you would do these dishes before I come back later tonight. Can you do that before I get back?” (Emphasis on before I come home!)
He said he would.
And get this: I found myself back at the office (yeah, I have a day job) wondering if he would actually do it. Or if I’d come home to the dirty dishes still piled high. And part of me started to build momentum behind the idea he didn’t. I felt myself starting to grow CERTAIN that he wouldn’t do it and I’d come home to feel angry and resentful.
It dawned on me… I think just on the brief walk home… that I was leaning toward — choosing — to not have my desires honored, and more awfully, I was WANTING the FIGHT.
*As I write this, I realize, it was probably because I’m so used to having that fight over “you don’t do anything around here,” that my body craved the chemical brew it makes when we have that fight….*
Want to stop fighting with your boyfriend? Make peace with the parts of you that crave the fight and its effects, including on your hormones!
And so, as I walked from the elevator to our apartment door, I thought firmly and clearly, “I want to open the door and find that he’s done the dishes. I don’t want the fight. I want to feel happy and be grateful to him.”
To stop fighting, decide you get to have what you want more than the fight: Love.
After I opened the door, I heard the dishwasher. He must have put the dishes in just 10-15 minutes before I came home.
And I thanked him before I even got my coat off.
So if you catch yourself building for a fight, it’s time to ask: DO I WANT A FIGHT MORE THAN I WANT COOPERATION?
You get to choose different any moment of any day.
Share in the comments: What do you think? Can you try this?
I daresay I found my soulmate early in life because of these 3 powerful tips I’m going to share with you today.
Ready to read these 3 powerful tips to help you manifest your soulmate?
It was a month before my 19th birthday when I saw a guy had checked out my OKCupid profile, and I messaged him. That night in May 2010 we went on our first date. Seeing as we’re celebrating our 9th anniversary this week, I’m qualified to share some tips for manifesting your own soulmate!
By doing what I’m going to share with you in this article, I met and fell in love with a man who I have lovingly described as the safe place from which I’ve been able to blossom.
I’ve grown more outgoing, more assertive, more confident, and in so many more ways than I can describe. But I only grew so much because I knew he saw me. Saw me the way I saw me. Saw me the way NO ONE ELSE EVER HAD.
That should give you a hint of the emotional stakes I felt when I was manifesting my soulmate…
I remember how excited I was as a kid for every holiday. As Thanksgiving or Easter approached, I was practically bouncing in my seat, ready to see my cousins and aunts and uncles and my grandmother. I’d build it up in my head. So excited to see them. As an adult, I can’t remember what exactly I thought would happen, but it was like knowing you were going to win the lottery. And then… at some point during the day, I would inevitably experience the crash you feel when the lotto numbers are called and you fuckin’ lost.
Growing up, that sense of emptiness like I’d lost something big was actually pretty persistent.
It didn’t matter WHERE I was… that emptiness followed.
How can I describe the craving I felt for love, kinship, community, BELONGING?
I generally had the sense that I was like nobody else around. No one GOT me. And though I tried, I didn’t really GET them either.
As a teenager, my only hope was that I’d someday find a guy who did get me. I prayed that my soulmate would come along, and fast. This brings me to my first tip for help you manifest your soulmate…
Manifest Your Soulmate Tip 1: Visualize, but more than that… imagine the FEELS
I spent time in visualization, though I wasn’t aware that this was a creative method that would actually bring him to me… I pictured, as my mother drove us somewhere and we sang along to cheesy ’80s music, that I’d someday be driving alongside my soulmate, the two of us singing the same songs I was now singing. I imagined taking my future beau to family gatherings. Imagined him having discussions with my male cousins about sports. I imagined the wholeness I would feel when standing by his side.
Get help to feel the feelings of having manifested your soulmate with my free “Luxuriate in the Having of It” meditation. Enter your details below and click that button 😉
Manifest Your Soulmate Tip 2: Learn to Recognize Near-Fits, and Hold Out for Perfect Fits
My path to my boyfriend taught me that there are near-fits and perfect fits, and you should definitely hold out for the perfect fit.
“You deserve to be YOU. Any change you’re going to make should be a change you want to make. Those around you — and I mean everyone — should be happy to support you in building your life the way you want and let go of their notions of what your life is supposed to look like.”
Rosella LaFevre, Long-Haul Master and Manifestation Teacher
Before Chris came a few other guys but one in particular comes to mind. He is a great guy, and I really hope he found his perfect fit, but we weren’t it. And yet… Spending the weekend at his house, hanging out with his mom was the first time in a while I’d felt at home. His mom was a real person. She wore her flaws on her sleeve but she was loving and kind. In the brief time I spent around her, she showed me unconditional love, of which I’d been starved for a while.
That relationship taught me that I could feel that homey feeling again but I could also hold out for someone who wouldn’t need me to change…
Here’s a really specific example: That boyfriend told me I’d have to learn how to drive if we were going to stay together. The truth is I had one lesson behind the wheel of a Buick Rainier at 16 years old and that was enough for me. To this day, I have no desire to drive. Chris has never forced the issue, never told me I need to drive. He’s happy to be my chauffeur. And now there’s Uber, so that’s awesome…
You deserve to be YOU. Any change you’re going to make should be a change you want to make. Those around you — and I mean everyone — should be happy to support you in building your life the way you want and let go of their notions of what your life is supposed to look like.
If they don’t? Call them in. (And while these tips work for manifesting your romantic soulmate partner, they also work for calling in soulmate friends, soulmate clients, and soulmate employees!)
Manifest Your Soulmate Tip 3: Ruthlessly Edit Toxicity from Your Life
You can also take action to remove the toxicity from your life that prevents your soulmates from coming to you. If there isn’t any toxicity in your life, that’s great! But there was in mine. And truthfully, I didn’t eliminate these beyond-sour relationships until after I met my boyfriend, cutting these ties I’m going to tell you about helped me to manifest a soul family.
“Clearing space for the people who will LOVE you as you are while empowering you to grow may be painful at the start, but it is rewarding as fuck. I promise.”
Rosella LaFevre, Long-Haul Master and Manifestation Teacher
Here’s the most potent example I can give you of this…
Most of that very same family I used to be ecstatic about seeing each Easter (and on every other major holiday) are people I no longer talk to. My parents’ ugly divorce really forced the issue… And I decided to say “ta-ta for now” to my maternal family.
There was anger on their side that I refused to exile my father. And I was pissed as hell that they were trying to make me pick sides. Right before my college graduation I allowed my mother to effectively disown me…
This left a void. I had no idea how I would spend my holidays now. I decided I would never go back until I am apologized to, and that still hasn’t happened nearly 6 years later.
I missed the big family gatherings, though. I missed being surrounded by lots of people, and I craved, even if I didn’t realize it at the time, finding a family that would love me unconditionally.
So the last I saw my mother and her family was Easter Sunday in 2013.
By Thanksgiving 2013, I was invited with my father to spend holidays with a family we’d known for years. These beautiful people are who I’ve spent every Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter with in the years since.
Clearing space for the people who will LOVE you as you are while empowering you to grow may be painful at the start, but it is rewarding as fuck. I promise.
Manifest Your Soulmate: 3 Powerful Tips Recap
Tip 1: Visualize, but more than that… Imagine the FEELS
Tip 2: Learn to Recognize Near-Fits, and Hold Out for Perfect Fits
Tip 3: Ruthlessly Edit Toxicity from Your Life
Manifest Your Soulmate with This Homework
Take some time today to envision (with or without putting pen to paper: your choice) the soulmates you’re making space for, whether they’re a romantic partner, fans of your work, paying clients, or a “new” family that gets you. Here are some prompts for your reflection:
How will your life change when you manifest your soulmate (or soulmates)?
How will you feel when you manifest your soulmate, a person who is a perfect fit for you?
In your past relationships, how did you know they were only a near fit and not a perfect fit?
Who is already in your life — loving you, supporting you — and why are you grateful for them?
Who in your life doesn’t deserve to be there, and makes your life worse in any/some/so many ways?
How can you release toxic relationships from your life? What would that take?